silhouettes

Half told stories. Half shown, broad as daylight. The other half is there for you to guess at. The truth is hidden behind an unseen curtain. You can see the outline, but it that really what it is? You can see the basic shapes, but the details are missing. The crisp outline makes you think you know what is shown, but the more you think about it, you don't know what's hidden in the black figure. You don't see the wrinkles, the scars, the blisters. All you see is a smooth, cold, black shape against the grey sky.

A silhouette is like a person. You see their appearance and what they tell you. But, there's always more than what they tell you. Everyone at ballet thinks I'm this super happy girl who's never upset, everyone at school thinks I'm always happy, but can periodically be pissed, everyone at church thinks I'm never upset by anything and have no issues. In all actuality, every night I dread the morning. I have a journal chalk full of problems. I used to write on my wall things I hated about myself, under a piece of paper hanging on it. I'm always at the edge of breaking down and cracking. Things are never as they seem.

I hate letting people know I have problems. I like to have it all under control. It just tends to build up. The summer before 8th grade I was this way too. And that's where it started.When people would ask me how I was, I just go into auto mode and say "good". When I'm crying on my bed and somebody asks me, I reply, "good". Exclamation marks are a part of how I text. It's a mask I wear. They show I'm happy and nothing is wrong. When I first started texting, I would use them because that's how I was feeling, now, it's just habit. Going through the motions.

Start over. That's what I want to do. Go to a new school and be able to redo who I am and who my friends are. Yes I love some of my friends I have now, but just some. The others just get on my nerves. They are just there as place holders until a closer friend gets there. I have about 5 people who I would want to keep as friends, but other than that, I'd like to get rid of them all. I've been with the same people since Kindergarten, so we're stuck with the same groups since then. The populars stay popular, the losers stay losers, the nerds stay nerds. It's just an unending chain of.. of what? What do we ever get out of this? Social acceptance?

Remember, you are you. You can never be someone else. If you're impersonating someone, trying to be like them, that's who you are. You're them. Their shadow. Everything you're not, made you everything you are. You can't be exactly like them, no matter how you try. Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. Life is the journey of acceptance. Acceptance of yourself, others, things you can't change, and again, yourself. You never can live up to your standards, or others, because in brains, its possible to be perfect. You're going to make mistakes but, hey,  that's life. It's beautiful, lovely, tragic, and cold. There are unforeseen things lurking around the hidden corners. Hope for the best but expect the worst. That's all we can do.

God built each one of us individually in  great knowledge of what we we're going to accomplish. If He didn't give us a gift, He knew we wouldn't need it, so we don't. Two months of the year left. make it count.

Love, savannah