you know who you are

you will never know. i think that's what hurts the most. you will never know how bad you hurt me. how deep you scarred me. i will always remember what you did. you tricked, manipulated, and betrayed me. i was a fool, but yet, i came back. yes, i came back. i gave you a second chance. and you did it again. it's almost been a year since your "first" mess up. i can't stop thinking about it. in 2 days it will be the anniversary of this. and you never knew you hurt me. you don't know for hours i stood crying in the middle of my lawn. not caring about the sprinkler going all around me, not caring it was spraying my clothing. i had come to that point, i didn't care anymore. i doubt this will ever be called to your attention. you will never find out i still remember the conversation, word for word, 363 days later. you will never know this. i wouldn't talk to anyone that day. i wouldn't eat. i wouldn't do anything. i lay in my bed, not moving, except my hand, which i wrote in my diary. i cried though. not the violent, shaking sobs which i had cried in the beginning, but silent, slow tears running endlessly down my cheeks. they never ceased. i now know it it possible to cry yourself dry. at the end of the night, before midnight hit and a new day began, the tears stopped. the outside appearance of pain did not show, but i could still feel the tears in my heart. they began to drown me from the inside. i had to go to school the next day. do you know how hard that was? hearing a word you would always say, or an object that reminded me of you would cause me to lose my mask, but only for a second. by the end of first period, i was sinking in my tears. my tears were strangling me. i could feel them, but i wouldn't let myself win-- let you win. the day went by slowly. the minutes seemed like hours. i just wanted to crawl into bed and fall asleep. you caused me pain. and i thought i would never forgive you. i thought i hated you. i thought you were a stupid boy. i thought i was over you. i thought i was the one to blame though. you don't know any of this. and no, you will never know. you will never know you made me the walking dead. i was breathing and my heart was pumping, but i was no longer alive. a part of me died when you did this. a part of me is still dead. the part of me that trusts. that day i didn't know what had died. i could feel something missing though. i thought i was missing you. i thought i was missing my whole self. trust is what left and died. i was missing trust from then on. i still had some left. but every time you do this, a piece of that trust dies. i now know that that is what dies when you leave. i am familiar with that feeling now. i no longer cry when you leave. i feel the dull ache in my heart, but that's it. i know my trust is dissolving. i know my hope is withering.  i know you will always end up leaving. but i also know you will always come back. but you don't know that. you don't know any of this. all you know is that 2 days later, i was talking to you like everything was fine. like i was just as i always am. little did you know i was drowning in my tears. choking them down with every breath i took. just to show i was strong. you think i never was upset. 363 days later, you will never know what really happened that day.

love, savannah