i was hurt

I wanted to tell you this yesterday when you brought it up, but I was too scared:

I never hated you. It hurt to see you with her and it hurt to see you alone. Every time I looked at you, I heard He didn't choose you, he doesn't want you. I couldn't speak to you without the risk of my intestines spilling out of my mouth. I didn't know how to meet your stare without my eyes giving away the feelings I still felt for you. I want you to know that Lauren lied to you. I never hated you. Everything hurt so bad that the only way I knew how to deal with it was to shut down. I told them what happened and they connected the dots however they wanted, without me correcting them. They made their own stories so it would make sense to them and with their reactions. They thought I would hate you, so that's what they told you. They were telling me how to feel and I didn't have the energy or the will to tell them differently. The looks I would give you was not out of hate, it was out of pain. It hurts me to think that you could ever think I hate you. I hate that you think I hated you, and I hate that you still think of it. I'm sorry I hurt you out of my pain but there was nothing I could do to stop it. I'm sorry that it bothered you but you had hurt me too much for me to care, and for taking care of myself first, I am not sorry.

Love,
Savannah