I think I realized why you're the only boy who has ever filled me with so much that I felt the need to express it in writing. I was in love with the idea of you. The mystery you were creating. I didn't even know you by the end of it all. I had to write to express what I was feeling. With the new boy, I don't need to write because I can be honest with him and speak truthfully. With you I was so reserved and cautious about everything I was saying. We were very good at playing a game that neither of us knew we were involved in.
Four years later and my heart doesn't skip a beat when I hear your name.
Four years later and I don't think we are meant to be.
Four years later and I know you aren't what's best for me and
Four years later I finally realize that you don't deserve me and you never did.
You were the only boy who ever made me write because what we had wasn't real. Real relationships mean being honest and being who we really are. I never knew who you were. I wasted so much time on you.
But I don't regret it.
I learned so much through that time with you. I will consider you my first love. When it started, that's what it was. But somewhere along the line it morphed into this twisted obsession and idolatry. I was obsessed with the idea of you. I craved perfection. I wanted us to work out. I was in a competition with myself. I didn't want to give up. I wanted us to work out to prove to myself that I hadn't been waiting for nothing.
Now we're off at different colleges. How crazy is that. Maybe once we're graduated and you get yourself together something will work. But I'm not waiting for you any longer.
Love,
Savannah
PS. This is what happy Savannah looks like now
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