letter to you

{I'm sorry I haven't posted, my laptop is still screwed up.}

But if you loved me, why'd you leave me?
- All I Want, The Kodaline

I am a coward. It's aready been a month. I can't go up to you and talk to you anymore. I can barely look you in the eyes. The eyes that had become so familiar. That softened everytime our noses were touching. Whose corners crinkled everytime you would smile at me. That still shoot glances at me in class, seeing if I'm looking at you. I don't want to imagine what you say to her. Do you tell her the same things you told me? Does your mouth still gently form the words that caused me to fall for you? I don't want to imagine that mouth brushing her neck, touching her lips. Your mouth that had kissed mine so many times. I don't know what makes me hold on to you still. We are over. I believed that you ended us, but looking back, I did. I asked why we were over, and you said we weren't. But I didn't give you a chance to explain. I didn't want an explination. I didn't want to be hurt anymore so I ended it. Back then I didn't realize why I was doing what I was doing, but now I see I was doing it out of pain. Pain of knowing I was going to get more hurt hearing the truth, not wanting to hear what I already knew. I figured it would be easier to end it myself than hearing it from you, even if that's not what you wanted.

I think I loved you. I really do. Nothing else can explain why this hurts so badly. When you said it over the phone that night, and I said it back, I don't think I was lying. I really did love you. I would have done anything for you, and I still would. I care about you so much, I don't understand how we, as measly human beings, are capable of feeling so much for someone. It beats in my heart and begs to pour out of me. My chest aches from trying to keep it inside. I want to love you. I want you to love me. I just want you. I can't move on. I am trying, I swear. But every thought leads me back to you and every song sings your name. I was trying to read a book and I couldn't. I broke down and started crying because it reminded me of you. I miss being happy. You were my happiness. I don't need to you be happy, I can still feel happiness, but you used to be the reason for it. I found joy in the smallest things, and I miss that. You made me happy.

I'm sorry I haven't talked to you. Everyday I imagine a thousand ways to go up to you. But when I pass by, I get so scared and I can't. I am afraid I won't know what to say. I am afraid of what you will think. I just get scared. I am a coward and I can't stand myself. I walk by you everyday, the perfect opportunity, but I can't make myself turn to face you; so I walk past, my head down, eyes watching the floor. I am ashamed. I wish you could read this so you would understand. I want to talk to you so badly, but I am so shy. I hope you understand that underneath my mask that I put on when I'm around you, I'm hurt, I'm scared and shy. Please don't be upset that it's taken me so long, I will sooner or later, but I just need some time. I love you.

Love, Savannah