I wrote this in a frenzy

I chose you every damn time. And you kept choosing both of us and expected it to be fine. I kept kissing him and pretending it was you. I just wanted you, not him, with me. When he asked me if I liked him, I told him yes. But looking back, I realized I liked how he kept you alive in me.  I kept pretending he was you but he wasn't and he never would be. You broke me so badly, I wanted him to prove I could still be loved. Deep down, I knew he couldn't do this. I knew I didn't love him. I knew that you can kiss someone and not feel electricity shooting through your spine. You taught me that. I knew he couldn't teach me to love again, but it was a mask. I thought if I could fool the world that I liked him, I could fool myself. I tricked myself into thinking I liked him. I knew I didn't. I had known what love was; I couldn't fool myself to think I had those feeling for him. You are the only boy I have ever written about. You are the only one that lights a fire in me that I cannot contain. I've never wasted my words talking about another boy. None of them have ever required words. You make me want to swear and curse anything I can. You make me think. You make me want to understand every inch of you. You make me so frustrated and I can never find these words to explain how I feel. I get so mad trying to get this out of me. I haven't cried about you since September 15, 2013, but tears well in my eyes today. I don't know what it is about you. I want to scream and get you out of my damn heart. But you infest every part of me. I can feel you pulsing through my veins. You are the only boy I have ever had butterflies for. I want to kiss you and punch you at the same time. I just can't think straight with the anger and the adoration I feel. How the hell did you do this to me. I'm a walking contradiction for you. I have a math and science brain but somehow you make my words sound like poetry and I'm Sylvia Plath. These words are forever only written for you. The thought of you with someone else makes me sick. I can't imagine you feeling this way towards someone else. I'm scared that you'll never feel this strongly about me. You may be interested, but it won't consume you with every breath or make you feel like you're about to explode. I'm selfish and jealous. I want you all to myself and to give you the only butterflies you'll ever feel from a girl for the rest of your life. I'm so scared of what I feel for you. I'm scared my life will pass me by and in 20 years I''ll still be sitting here, writing on my blog about you. These words pour out of me, but somehow when I'm with you, my thoughts get tangled up and I can't even bring myself to look in your eyes. You make me feel more like a girl than anyone else. For exactly 2 years and 11 months, you have made me feel things I had never felt with anyone else and haven't felt since. I've never had the courage to tell you this, but every time we talk, these words get closer to bubbling to the surface. We've called this off many times, and looking back, I understand why God didn't let it happen. The timing was never right. But now we're almost 17, and we've both matured so much and I feel like our time is coming. I feel like this time it could actually work. I just can't bring myself to believe you don't feel this. You can't keep your hands off of me whenever you're with me. We can finally talk about things that matter and be honest with each other. Things are working out.
If only you could keep other girls off of your mind and I could tell you, you're on mine.

Love,
Savannah